The right love at the wrong time
by Ruthyroo
Summary: Ste visits Brendan in prison to tell him about Doug. Not sure what this is. Stendan.


**The Right Love at the Wrong Time :)**

I had to see you; I had to tell you that everything was okay now and that when you said I had to live my life you were right. You were always right. I didn't actually expect you to agree to see me, but when the visiting order came through my door I believed it then. I haven't told Doug, we've only been back together a few weeks and things are the best they've been since…well since the day you went away and I won't risk hurting him again, not this time. I just want you to know that I'm happy.

_I never wanted you to come here, to see me locked away like some caged animal, but there was something about your letter, it wasn't like the others and so I agreed to the visiting order. I know it's going to be hard to see you, to tell you to move on with your life and to not worry about me, but it really is for the best. I'm not worth the heartache, but you Steven Hay you are and I know I will feel this pain inside me for the rest of my life. It reminds me that I'm still alive._

I saw you straight away, I knew I would. My heart fluttered a little…a lot actually and it took all the strength I had not to break down at the sight of you. I had to remember what this was about; I had to tell you that I've finally got a second chance at happiness and that this time it's for keeps. I had to be the one to tell you, it wouldn't be right hearing it through the grapevine. Maybe you were right all those years ago…maybe we just weren't meant to be.

_I didn't take my eyes off you; I couldn't even If I wanted to. You looked exactly the same, better in fact and I couldn't help but wonder how you look so good when I look like an old man who's had some kind of breakdown. The emptiness that I've felt since we've been apart shows on every part of me and I wish it didn't. You on the other hand look like you've got a new lease of life with colour in your cheeks and a twinkle in your eyes. I wonder if this has anything to do with why you wanted to see me. God I've missed you._

It's harder than I thought being here, seeing you and now that I'm sat inches away from you I don't even remember why I'm here. You smile at me and I smile back, but no words are exchanged for a few minutes and then you ask me how I've been and so I begin to tell you about the last six months of my life. I start off with my mum, I tell you that you should've been there for me, but you just hang your head in shame and for a minute I want to shout and scream at you, but then I remember where I am.

_You sit down opposite me and every part of me comes alive. I want to take you in my arms and tell you how much I've missed you. I want to tell you that I've made a mistake letting you go and that I never will again. You were right along; we just don't work without each other. The silence throws me a little if I'm honest so I ask you how you've been instead. You tell me about Pauline and I hang my head, I'm so ashamed of myself for letting you go through all that alone._

I then tell you about Trevor and the drugs and you look like you want to kill someone. I see that familiar rage in your eyes, but it's all done with now. You support is nothing but too little too late, I have overcome that part of my life now and you couldn't do anything stuck in here anyway. You made your choice didn't you? I tell you about my friendship with Sinead, my one night stand with George and how I nearly lost the Deli and all you can say is sorry over and over. You look so broken now.

_You tell me all this stuff, bad stuff that I can't do anything about and I feel so bad for letting you down. I wish I could've been there to protect you. I thought with me inside here that you'd be safe, but it doesn't matter does it? You still get a raw deal even without me. I tell you that I know people in here, people with contacts on the outside, people that will take care of all the aggravations in your life, but of course you refuse. I can see you don't need me anymore do you?_

I then tell you about Doug, about how supportive he's been, you look at me, stare right into my eyes, but you don't give much away. I tell you that we are back together, that I am happy and you give me a smile, but I can see the tears fall from your eyes. You don't even attempt to wipe them from your face. I didn't come here to hurt you, that was never my intention. I thought you'd be happy that I'd taken your advice and moved on, but right now I don't think I've ever seen you look so sad.

_Douglas again seriously? Looks like I made the right decision cutting you out of my life. I can't believe I was thinking about asking you to wait for me. I felt the tears roll down my face, but I couldn't stop them, don't think I even wanted to. Six months…is that all I'm worth? I thought you loved me, I thought you'd be miserable forever, I thought I'd left a hole in your life that no one could ever fill. I thought you'd never feel any differently about me. Why did you even come here and tell me?_

I told you because I wanted your blessing; I wanted you to be happy for me, happy that I'd listened to you, but I can see how disappointed you are and now I just wish that I could take back everything I'd just said. I still love you, you have to know that will never change, but things with Doug have just happened. I don't think I will ever stop loving you, but I need to feel wanted and you can't love me on the outside right now can you? Please don't hate me for this; I couldn't stand it if you hated me.

_You wait for me to say something only words fail me now. How can I say anything to you? What do you even want me to say to you? You put your hand on mine across the table, but I pull away quickly. I have nothing left to give you and nothing left to say. I stand up to leave and take one last look at you. I cup my hand in your face and then I tell you that I'm glad you're happy and that even though it hurts like hell you deserve it. When I walk away I know you are still sat there watching me, but I don't look back._

You look beside yourself, like my words have unsettled you and now I'm left wondering what I can say to make you feel better. I need you to say something at least and when you stand up and cup my face lovingly that's when you do. You tell me you're happy for me, but are you really? I thought it was always gonna be me and you. You leave me and all I can do is watch you go. Unfortunately you are no longer my responsibility.

_I go back to my cell, my emotions are running wild and I'm feeling panicky and tense. I didn't see that one coming and I'm blown away by how quickly I'm forgotten, especially to someone whom I thought I was unforgettable to. I thought you'd always be there._

I leave you again knowing that nothing will ever compare to you, so why am I even bothering with Doug? No matter what happens I will always love you and I never want you to forget that and if you were here, on the outside there is no question where I'd be.

_I should be pleased that you have someone to wrap you up in their arms and love you like you should be loved, but that someone should be me and I hate knowing that it's not. You wanted closure today didn't you? I hope you got what you wanted. As for me I made my choice six months ago and now I'm paying the price. There is nothing you could do that would make me stop loving you and I hope you know that. I guess we had the right love at the wrong time._

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